The Greatest Gift

Friday 5/21/10 time 8:10 PM - Karuna

The greatest gift we can give to each other is the reminder that despite our foibles and flaws we are loved beyond what we are capable of knowing. And even though our flaws create a veil that impedes our knowing this (which is inherent in the human experience), the fact that we are loved deeply and unconditionally is and will always be true.

Affirming Gifts and Kindness

Wednesday 3/31/10 time 2:32 PM - Karuna

On March 11, 2010 Leo Pusateri died.  Leo was a dear friend and a second father to me. His daughter, Ruth, and I have been friends since we were 8 years old. Ruth and I became friends because of the friendship of our parents. My own father and Leo have been friends since before I was born.

Leo escorted me and my sister to the annual Father/Daughter Dance my senior year in high school when my father was living in Florida.  Two years later Leo and his wife, Suzanne took me in and allowed me to live with them, while Ruth was still away at college, because my own home at the time was unsafe. They did so without judgement and without prying – simple and generous, unconditional acceptance and love. 

Leo was an amazingly bighearted, comforting, straight-shooter, hilarious, boisterous, smart, and a very well-loved man.  He always made any visitor feel as if they were family, no matter how long you stayed or how long he had known you.  His hugs were enveloping, and his voice resounding.  Every Christmas day, Leo and Suzanne hosted an open house – all day and all night.  No matter how many people came or how late they stayed, there was plenty to eat and drink for all. Punctuating the day and night were songs, stories, laughter, loud discussions, children, and then grand-children.  You see Christmas day was Leo’s birthday, so the open house was a way of not just inviting friends and family to celebrate Christmas and his birthday, it was also Leo’s way of giving himself and his many gifts to all who entered his home, something he did without reservation and with a grace that touched you with joy no matter what kind of mood you were in when you arrived.

When Ruth called and told me of Leo’s death that Thursday morning, I was devastated. Ruth was understandably inconsolable.  My heart ached for her, for Suzanne, for the family and for my father.  There was no question that I would be on plane as soon as possible to be there. 

Thinking back to that Thursday morning, I believe now that it was Leo’s spirit and the spirit of his generosity that compelled me to post a bold request on the local “freecycle” site (a website where anyone can post items to give away for free, and post things they need, again for free).  I posted: “WANTED: Southwest miles (or any).”  I briefly said that I knew this was a “big” request, and went on to describe who Leo was to me, and how I needed to be there for his funeral.  By the end of the day, no one had responded (as I expected), so I purchased my ticket to leave on Saturday.  On Friday morning I received an email from Sara.  She wrote she had Southwest award miles to give to me if my dates were flexible.  I was stunned.  I immediately emailed back saying that my dates weren’t really flexible and that I had just purchased my ticket, and thanked her profusely.  After a few more emails back and forth, she used her award miles to purchase the ticket for the return portion of the trip, so that I could use what I had already paid for future trip.  I cried with gratitude for this unknown person reaching out, listening and being so willing to open her heart and generosity to someone she had never met.  She trusted what I was posting was real, there was never any question about that.  In my final email to her I asked her to please call me so that I could hear her voice.  Friday evening, Sara called.  I couldn’t hold back my tears of gratitude.  She said she had plenty of miles and that giving them to me was also giving a gift to her – allowing her to help someone in need, and feel the feelings that come with knowing you have done a great kindness.  I completely understood those feelings, and for me, mixed with the gratitude for her deed, was a good feeling of my own that I had been able to give a gift too. 

And this is what we can do for each other – not just those we know, but those we don’t know who are in need.  The beauty of this experience for me is not just in the act itself, but in the validation that we are all here to help each other navigate the sometimes choppy waters of our journey.  And in extending ourselves for each other we not only receive what we need, but we can then give so much more, because we understand at a deep level the importance and restorative nature of the acts of such kindnesses.

Leo, thank you for all you were to me, to so many people.  And thank you for sending your spirit to open the way for the continuation of the kindnesses you so easily and generously extended to all.  You are missed.

Full Moon - Impermanence

Friday 1/29/10 time 3:16 PM - Karuna

There are many different studies, opinions and perspectives on whether or not the moon, especially the full moon, affects humans.  Some speculate there are more births, deaths and erratic behavior during the full moon.  Other say judges are more lenient on full moons than other times during the month.

Whether or not you agree with any of the theories posited, there is one clear fact – the moon affects the earth.  The oceans’ tides are due to the gravity pull of the moon, and the tides are lower and higher when there is a full moon, even more so when the moon reaches perigee, or the closest point to the earth.

This month’s full moon – Wolf Moon – the moon is at perigee.  It will appear bigger and brighter because of its closeness.  It will also pull the waters of the oceans into greater high and low tides. 

These are scientific facts that are not disputed.  How then – if the moon’s gravity can pull the earth’s massive oceans – can we humans not be affected by the moon?  It may not matter how we are affected so much as, yes we are affected.  I know I am often more depressed and more irritable just before the full moon, and that those symptoms ease as the full moon wanes.  Other times I can be happier or contemplative as the moon waxes to fullness. 

We so often want to find the source of our unhappiness, irritability, moodiness and suffering.  We also want relief as soon as possible.  As with everything in life (yes, everything) the moon’s affect, my feelings, the suffering and even my happiness are all impermanent – all will change.  Grasping to the search for release or explanation limits our ability to be with what is happening, and what we are feeling.  Knowing it will pass can offer us a different kind of liberation, into the domain of the presence of the moment.  What the presence of the moment can offer us is a glimpse into ourselves that we can not get any other way.  We can see how our feelings shift, change and ease and intensify.  We can witness the ebbs and flow of our thoughts and judgments, and what triggers, exacerbates and frees them.  If we really allow ourselves to be in that domain of the present with curiosity instead of hoping for an answer and solution, then we can hold ourselves with greater compassion.

So, let yourself be affected by the moon in whatever way it happens for you.  Know that we all are waxing and waning and waxing again, ebbing and flowing in the tidal movement that is our life.  May we all experience compassion for ourselves and others in this full moon and throughout the year.  For the benefit of all beings!

Peace.

The Ache

Thursday 1/14/10 time 8:51 PM - Karuna

How we respond to those most in need is the ultimate measure of our depth and capacity for care and compassion.  If we ache when we see pictures of people hurting, or when we hear or watch stories of pain and devastation, then, I believe, as painful as it is, our ache is one way we are truly reaching out, connecting, praying and holding those in need in our hearts, even if we can’t immediately or directly touch them.  

However, if we judge those in pain, implying that their situation is some how their fault or the result of some past actions or beliefs, then we are engaging in the most destructive energies on the planet – energies of fear, hate, indifference, apathy and oppression.  These destructive energies must be overcome by the loving, compassionate energies that are ignited by the ache we feel when witnessing suffering. 

So when we read, listen, or watch these stories about suffering, let us pray for those in need; and pray for those whose hearts are not yet open to the ache, and to the love and compassion that truly heals us all.

Coexistence

Saturday 8/22/09 - Karuna

I had an occasion to watch The View, a program I don’t usually watch. (I do not have a television). This was a re-run about Tarot Card readings, Past Life Regression, Psychic Mediums, and Astrology.  Each co-host experienced a different “modality” in addition to some audience participation.  Needless to say, the co-hosts were visibly and verbally skeptical of any of the experience and of the information.  One co-host did not even allow the practitioner to complete what he had been invited to offer, insulting him and laughing at his process.  Several of the women said they believe in God and pray to God and believe their loved ones are with God, so the services their guests were offering were basically irrelevant to them.

I understand skepticism, and even welcome it.  It is healthy.  What I wonder about is this:  Isn’t it possible for belief in God and belief in these ways of gaining information to coexist? 

If God made everything and everyone, and is responsible for all creation, then perhaps God created the ability to communicate with people who have died (and gone to heaven); and for people who have died to communicate with the living; or reincarnation; or seeing the future or aspects of the future; or helping people see and heal with past life glimpses. 

We don’t know everything about the earth we live on.  There are places that humans have not been able to get to, to even see let alone understand - the deepest parts of the ocean and all that lives there; the deepest forests and every kind of plant; every single piece of land with its myriad of habitats.  Humans have not identified every species of living being on the planet.  Humans have not seen all that is beyond the earth and we keep discovering more stars and galaxies.  We have not completely figured out human behavior given the thousands of cultures on the earth.  We have not even identified every single language humans have spoken in the past and now, or the language of animals. 

Isn’t it just a bit overconfident to assume that we know what God has created and what God hasn’t? If there are so many ways to communicate – different spoken and non-spoken languages, dance, art, music, tears, laughter, silence, hugs, screams, expressions, writing and so many others – isn’t it possible that God also created ways to communicate that we have yet to understand like through dreams, mediums, cards, the stars and seeing into the past and the future. 

Religion/spirituality and the metaphysical are not mutually exclusive.  I think if God is all powerful, all knowing, all present and creator, God also created many, many ways to communicate, to gather information, to learn, and to understand each other.  And to presume otherwise is making an assumption that humans can know everything about God.

Re(e)volution

Thursday 8/6/09 - Karuna

August 6, 2009

The end,
it ended long ago
It will never end
Wasn’t it just yesterday……

I didn’t want it to end
(yes, you did)
I’ll never know why
So.

Whose to blame?
Why do you ask?

Just trying to find the ground
(you’re standing on it)
Oh, here.
There is no ground,
Oh, yeah, right
No, not right, huh?
Yes.

Forward, and onward
Where?
Nope, no answers yet
More questions?
(you know the answer)
When will it make sense?
What?
All of it!
Now

Liberation

Wednesday 4/8/09 - Karuna

This is a time of year when various religious and non-religious traditions are celebrated. Not as intensely consumer-driven as the end of the year celebrations, but celebrated in the majority of the world.  I'm talking mostly about Easter and Passover.

This year seems a little different than other years ("why is this year different from all others?").  I am feeling a major shift of some kind. You may call it whatever you like, from whatever point of view you want, political, social, financial, natural...it is global and palpable. 

I believe this deep shift is a liberation...birth to death and back to birth again...in the broadest definitions. Both Easter and Passover celebrate liberation, in beautiful ways.

My own life and many, many people I know have experienced profound and often very stressful changes in their/our lives over the past few years.  Some, more intensely in the last year. I am offering that these changes are liberation.  Something is dying and going away, and something is being born.

What I am discovering in my own experiences of liberation, is the awareness of the importance of kindness, compassion, gentleness of care with each other and ourselves.  Kindness and compassion toward oneself especially when times are hard and the internal voices of judgement are much louder, offers not just soothing of the emotions and a quieting of the voices (for a time), but a greater trust in oneself.  I can trust that if I can be kind to myself, then the decisions I make will be coming from a place where I hold my best interest, and not from fear.

Similarly, I believe if we are kind, compassionate and care gently for each other, trust will strenghten among us.  Fear breeds mistrust, at various levels.  Sometimes this happens without our complete awareness.   Sometimes we don't realize that our mistrust, or lack of motivation to kindness is rooted in some fear. Sometimes it's as simple as allowing the fear to color a response, or lack of response.

I have been holding myself and everyone I know, in the light of Kindness, Care, Peace, Healing, Clarity, Adaptability and Compassion. I offer the following intention/prayer/blessing that I have been saying daily:

May I feel Secure and Safe
May I rest in Gratitude
May I be Happy
May I be Healthy
May I dwell in Peace
May I be filled with Loving Kindness

May ________ feel Secure and Safe
May ________ rest in Gratitude
May _________be Happy
May ________ be Healthy
May ________ dwell in Peace
May ________ be filled with Loving Kindness

May all feel Secure and Safe
May all rest in Gratitude
May all be Happy
May all be Healthy
May all dwell in Peace
May all be filled with Loving Kindness

May we all find Peace in our collective and individual liberations.

Karuna 

Bending II

Thursday 2/19/09 - Karuna

Bending II

I still haven’t figured out if it’s Bend or if it’s me.

This part of my path is offering me the chance to connect, once again to the natural rhythms of the groundless, Ground in all Her white, wet splendor

With the intention to release expectations, agendas, desires, grasping, ideas of who I “should be,” and “should have been”
I discover the magnificence of the monochrome landscapes and the stamina required to walk a path that is longer than I knew or wanted

Ah, the reward of the effort … sparkles and glows from within and without
A mysterious blue from the depths of the ice wall stirs my soul with wonder, and protects us from the icy spray felt just a few months ago

At the source of a Metolius River, the waters swirl their blue green life and continue their journey out of the mountain, down, and around
as the geese arrive for the night.

Under heavy snowflakes the cold air and hot bath create copious fog hiding the external details we see in each other, while providing shelter to soak into the darkness that illuminates the surfacing irregular patterns.

With sword in hand and heart, we reach to open the breath between us
Even though walls exist, eyes welcome the universal longing to unity, again.

Returning home I descend elevations as the snow turns to ice then to rain.  

Now, I am again grateful for all the beauty experienced and revealed; kindnesses, deliciousness, and the chance to again contemplate the remarkable transformative power of water, and all that water is, does and represents – Life – changing, flowing, cleansing, quenching, cooling, warming, smoothing, and sustaining.

Bend, Oregon

Sunday 1/4/09 - Karuna

Is it Bend, or is it me, or is it the time, or is it all of the above?  This trip, this vacation...a retreat...a coming home...a re-trusting, discovery of sorts.  Synchronicity and dreams.  Peeking badgers from unusual places, while owl looks right through me.  Splendor as I face my fears high above the world, grounded right here.  Falling, sinking and releasing to the wonderland of roaring possibilities, we hold each other and smile.  Water, flowing, cleansing, soaking, lighting from within.  Twisting, stretching and breathing on this threshold.

It is the new year, and the same.  I am open to all the possibilities, and more.  Gratitude is what I feel in this moment, and hope to keep in my heart all year.

I ventured north to Bend, Oregon to visit my dear cousin, Matt for a week.  No plans, no expectations, just the exploration and connection. 

We visited the High Desert Wildlife Museum and found a Badger walking through the hallway, leashed to a trainer and a bit scared.  Peeking around the corner, his fear got the better of his curiosity.  The owls, majestic and wise, looked through us as we marveled at them.  The beautiful rainbow trout swam in the cold creek, happy to be there, as we watched in chilly amazement.

The Dreamwork group gathered to share dreams and discover ourselves through them.  Themes of "seeing" and home and water tied us together to help us re-member the wisdom we have inside of us, we only need our curiosity.

Shevlin Park walked me, as I discovered paw prints, ice in strange forms, and the philosophy of time - always enough if we slow down enough - ageless wisdom in a new friend.

New years eve we spent with friends, cooking, sharing, laughing, talking.  I was by far the oldest there and began to notice the difference age offers, and the non-difference.  Age is a matter of mind over matter, if you don't mind it doesn't matter. And yet, I am growing older, and that's beautiful.

Smith Rock Park on new years day allowed me to climb through my fears and see myself and the world from a new perspective.  River Otters played and fed as we watched with joy.  Climbing the rocks and the sheer face of history, strained my neck and taught me about how little I need to stand on to steady myself.  Just don't look down.

A Turkish bath in the middle of Bend offered salt water release. Bathing in the warm water, St. Francis gave me the gift of compassion in all things, again. His tiled images on the walls of the bath, seemed to hold all of us while we soaked and breathed.  This was a place we returned to again!

The mountains surrounding Bend captured us, and the snow fell and fell and fell as we ventured into the trail to witness the awesome power of water in many forms.  A commanding waterfall sprayed us and bathed us too.  We sank deep into the snow, trying to get close to the Life force, only to discover the blue of the holes our feet made seem to light from within.  We couldn't figure out this phenomenon, but left it to the mystery of Nature.

And food, how we ate.  The best fish and chips and beer, the best sushi, breakfasts to die for and chocolate and wine, soup and bread shared with new friends.  I was fed body and soul and body again.

Before leaving Bend, I twisted and stretched in new ways.  Ulla's Anusara yoga session left me feeling every cell in my body, tingling and sufficiently open to the 9 hour drive home to California. 

Clear roads, sun and the majestic awesomeness that is Mt. Shasta carried me home to my cottage, my Minke and myself - again and with new life, new awareness, and much more gratitude.

Blessings and great amounts of thanks to Matt and to the Universe!

Solstice 2008

Sunday 12/21/08 time 3:16 AM - Karuna

The Earth, again, has made her journey back through darkness...

.....I am usually not awake at this hour....at precisely the darkest hour...Solstice is upon us as I write this...the earth seems to be standing still, waiting, wondering, rejoicing in the coming of the light...the north of the earth is the darkest and closer towards the sun at this moment, yet we can not feel the warmth of this exterior celestial being - we must be warmed by our own inner movements within this stillness.

Universe, God, Spirit, One, Adonai, Ya, Mother, Christ, Allah, Love ... alive in our hearts, our homes and our world ... guide us in your beautiful, compassionate way through this darkness ... but not too quickly, for there are riches held in the darkness, gifts we will stumble over and must open, gratitude to be offered before receiving Your light again.

I thank each one of you for glorious ways you have touched my life and for all the gifts you give to me by being in my life.  I am filled with so much gratitude and joy to be alive and with you all!

I close with a song that has been playing in my head and heart at this hour, one I learned many years ago on this day.
Love & Blessings to all,
Karuna
-----------

Light is returning
even though this is the darkest hour
no one can hold back the dawn

Let's keep it burning
Let's keep the light of hope alive
make safe our journey through the storm

One planet is turning
circle on her path around the Sun
Earth-Mother is calling Her children home
  -- song lyric by Charlie Murphy

Integrity and Honesty

Tuesday 12/16/08 - Karuna

No one said honesty and integrity would be easy or uncomplicated. In fact, the virtue and practice of honesty and integrity does not guarantee that which we seek, in the way we may seek it.  Faith must be bound to the values of integrity and honesty. Because if what we seek is aligned with these values, then the receiving of our desires is the result of faith in those values, not abandonment of them.

What is Holy?

Sunday 11/30/08 - Karuna

Returning from a retreat of heart-opening, soul-nurturing, stomach-filling moments; I am back in my home trying to hold on to the Me that I discover in those times, trying to bring to my "real" life the calm, creativity, care, unconditional acceptance and love that so easily takes place there.

On retreat, infinite possibilities of deeper connections rise to the surface of my awareness.  It seems easier to allow my practices to feed me, so that I am more compassionate.  It seems harder to let my judgments have a voice.  With great relief, they are drowned out by the trees, rocks, wind, sun, pool, dance, like-heartminds, play, dusty ground, dry creek bed, hugs, tears, praying mantis, Pileated woodpeckers and star-filled sky.

How can I nurture myself and transcend the temptation to separate what is possible there and here?  How can I open up to the infinite possibilities that I can so clearly see there, when in the mire of the daily, seemingly finite and distractible life here?

I rediscovered a strange and often misunderstood word on retreat, which might help me "re-enter" this time - holy.  Paul Tillich describes holy as infinite relations, different from finite relations.  At first the religiosity of the word stuck in my throat.  But being in the open-hearted place I was, I could see how I do make my relations finite - how my own expectations, agendas and assumptions limit the possibility to experience so much more; and how I might be able to allow more infinite possibilities to be revealed.

I start with my relation to nature - infinite possibilities.  Letting myself move beyond simple identification of a bird, to the wonder of watching her fly, preen, hunt, eat, sleep; I discover a feeling of dissolving.  It is as if the boundaries between myself and the bird are thinner.  I can almost feel what it is like to be the bird.  In that moment I touch the infinite possibilities.  In that moment I let myself reach into the unknown, without need to know. 

That moment is holy.

Now, the questions remain:

How do I bring holiness; allowing of the infinite; boundary-thinning moment to all relations?

How do I let myself move beyond simple identification and expectation of others, to see and wonder as they too live, eat, love, cry, laugh, dance, fall, sleep, hold and try to reach for what is beyond the finite? 

How do I open to and reveal the holiness in the everyday-ness?

(originally published in "Sword of My Soul: Writings on Flowing Dragon Swords, 2007)

Hope

Tuesday 11/18/08 - Karuna

It's been a short time and already a cliché is born.  Hope is
restored!  But let us not forget that along with these feelings of
Hopefulness in the wake of historic events, comes the responsibility
to translate these feelings into practical actions that honor and
defend the breadth and depth of the Hopefulness that has been
unfurled.

We need to recommit ourselves on a daily basis to the inspiration and
the actions that electrified our visions, and motivated our
participation. We must remain engaged in the lives of our communities
for they support and sustain our individual lives. We must be willing
to look at the reality of the dark and light of every moment, not
letting ourselves be swept away by despair at the enormity of the
problems; or be entangled by our ego at the illusion of power we may
wield.

Yes, we are powerful.  We know that and have seen our power in action.
 Our true power has never come from a place that feeds us alone.  Our
true power comes from and is at its best when it recognizes that I can
because you can too.  It comes from the place that is within each of
us as individuals and each family, community, state, nation and the
world.  This is the place that recognizes on the deepest level
possible, that we are more similar than we are different, and that we
remain separate because we accept the illusion that if you can then I
can not.

When we each find our voice and our power, we discover the resonance
we seek in the realization of the place we hold in the chorus of
humanity, and that all voices are needed, all tones are required, all
melodies meld into one harmony.  The work to remain Hopeful is the
work we seek, it is the reifying of the vision; it is the call that we
have all heard.

Now let us defend our vision, commit ourselves to use our power for
Us, and to continue the work that We have begun – because we can and
we will.